untitled.

Life is tough.

This, we all know. We experience life in different ways and we have had bad days and even terrible, horrible ones. I don’t really know what to say besides that, as cliche as it sounds, it does get better.

For the longest time I felt heavy, not physically heavy but emotionally and mentally. There were days that it was hard to get out of bed because it was just… hard. I felt sad, and to say that is such an understatement because it was definitely more than that. Even on days that nothing bad was happening, I still felt sick to my stomach because I just felt so low. I would often lose my appetite and I just did not have motivation to do many things. I lost interest in a lot of things I used to find joy in, one of which was using this blog (hence why I was gone for so long). So many things in my life just didn’t add up. I thought about my family, my grandfather especially, and how I have so many regrets about not having told him that I love him enough when he was still here. I still carry this burden with me everyday. I didn’t know what I wanted to do in general. I didn’t know what I want to do in the future, in university, or for a job. I didn’t know a lot of things about myself and it felt as though I was just a worker who has to carry my body everyday. I dissociated a lot and had a shit-ton of mental breakdowns.

Part of the reason why I felt that way was because I never opened up to anybody. I still don’t up until today, but I’m trying to learn to speak up about my feelings. I hated the feeling of having to tell somebody how I feel and feel like I’m being a burden. If I can’t handle my own problems, then how can anyone else handle me? I never opened up due to the fear of being screwed over, of being laughed at, of having my own problems be used against me. I never opened up because I was scared that people will laugh and invalidate my feelings. I never opened up because I never learned how. So ever since I was young, I bottled up a lot of emotions and feelings about things in my life. I don’t know if it’s too late to open up now but it still is hard. I’m an only child and I’ve learned to be independent, so I think that’s the front I’m always trying to put. That I’m this strong person who can handle her own problems, but there are days when it’s just bad. Days when something little could go wrong and I would explode.

It’s hard, you know, feeling like that about yourself. It’s hard hating yourself and having a voice in your head that tells you you can’t do the things you want to do because you’re not good enough for it. It’s hard waking up in the morning and already being exhausted about the day even if it hasn’t started yet. It’s hard needing somebody to listen, but not having anything to speak about because you’re afraid of talking about yourself.

But I learned that it gets better, and it does. I’m trying harder everyday to get better. I’m learning and trying to push aside the negative thoughts that my brain makes me think, the bad things that I’ve had in my head for as long as I can remember. I’m learning to surround myself with the people I love and the people that love me. I’m learning to be more open (this is still hard). I’m learning to love, even if it’s not romantically. I’m learning to think of life as a gift rather than a burden I have to carry. I’m learning to help myself, and love myself in the process.

It’s not easy to live in constant worry that you’re going to fuck up. It’s life. You are going to mess up, constantly. But it’s how you pick yourself up, and how you move on from it. Life is hard, it’s going to knock you down so many times you won’t even be able to feel your legs anymore. But crawl and grab crutches; help yourself up. Have others help you. Stand back up again.

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ONWARDS AND UPWARDS

I’ve always heard this quote somewhere and it never really stuck with me until recently.

The past few months, like I previously mentioned, have been tough. I went through a bunch of shit that I wish I didn’t have to go through, and don’t wish anybody to go through the same thing. Life is one hell of an ass kicker, let me tell you that.

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COMEBACK KID

Hello! I have not posted since last year, I am so sorry. Life has just gotten so busy and I have totally forgotten about this blog. I remembered it from time to time though, constantly visiting and reading through my old posts, but never actually typing up anything to post. So for that, I apologize. I just want to give you guys a quick update on my life and what it has been these past few months.

  • I go to a new school now. I don’t think I’ve mentioned that before? Or maybe I have and have totally forgotten about it. Anyway, I do go to a different school now. I’ve made friends and have made memories that I cherish with the people who are dear to me. I’m a senior in high school now! The first time I ever posted a blogpost on here was when I was still a wee little sophomore, haha.
  • I went to the Philippines for three weeks. I visited my family back home and it was a great time! Blogpost about this coming up!
  • My bestfriend flew from LA this summer. Pretty self explanatory but I met up with Rey this summer and she spent the weekend here with me. We met up with our other friend, Eve, for the first time! It was great. We went to Snakes & Lattes and played a bunch of board games, got lunch, went to Sonic Boom, and basically just walked around downtown.
  • I SAW BRUNO MARS. My favourite performer and possibly singer of all time(?). He’s so great live, I can’t stress that enough. I got to see him for free, thanks to Rey’s stepdad, who got us tickets. Anyway, it was a great night. It was my first concert too and I got to see my favourite with my favourite. Blogpost about this coming up.
  • I think I know what I want to do in the future. I’m planning to take either psychology or criminology for post-secondary. I’ll major in one of those, and take the other as a minor. I thought that maybe writing isn’t really a career choice for me, or maybe it is. I don’t know yet and I’m not 100% sure. But whatever way I go, I will make sure that I am happy with my decision.

I think that’s it? Nothing extravagant really happened during the past months that I was gone. I’ve had more bad days than good ones, but I’m pulling through and I think that’s what matters. A lot has changed, but I’m still me.

THANK YOU, CARRIE FISHER.

Only two celebrity deaths has fully hit home to me: Robin Williams and as of today, Carrie Fisher. It sucks that we lost her because she was such a strong, witty, and smart woman. She carried herself unapologetically with such great confidence and power and never conformed to what Hollywood told her she was. As a Star Wars fan I feel like I’d just lost someone so close to me; like a mother or a sister or a friend. I lost a role model who I cared for and loved so dearly.

Carrie battled with addiction, mental illness, sexism, ageism, and body shaming, and she survived through all of them. She was very open about her mental illness and talked about it in great depths that will forever have a big impact on me and many others. She taught me how to be a strong woman despite of being seen as weak and being seen as the damsel in distress – the one that always had to be saved. She taught me that I can save myself, that I can become who I want to become when I rise above hate. She taught me that being a princess doesn’t mean that I had to be saved, because I can save myself. She killed her oppressors using the chains they put on her (literally, I mean look at Jabba the Hut). She taught me to resist and fight for myself, to be bold and truthful and loud and own myself and everything I do. She taught me to be open about my mental health, that it’s okay to suffer from these things and that getting help is important. She taught me that girls can be anything. That’s the Carrie Fisher I know.

She wasn’t only Princess Leia, she’s an author, a screenwriter, an actress, a mother. She was so much more and she had such huge impact on Hollywood and I will be forever thankful to have known her even through a movie screen. She deserved the world and I lover and owe her so much.

Carrie is the brightest star in the galaxy and I am sure that the Force is with her.

Thank you, Carrie Fisher, for everything you have done, for the impact you’ve created and will continue to create even after you’re gone. You will always be the strong, funny, witty woman we grew up to.

We love you and you know.