untitled.

Life is tough.

This, we all know. We experience life in different ways and we have had bad days and even terrible, horrible ones. I don’t really know what to say besides that, as cliche as it sounds, it does get better.

For the longest time I felt heavy, not physically heavy but emotionally and mentally. There were days that it was hard to get out of bed because it was just… hard. I felt sad, and to say that is such an understatement because it was definitely more than that. Even on days that nothing bad was happening, I still felt sick to my stomach because I just felt so low. I would often lose my appetite and I just did not have motivation to do many things. I lost interest in a lot of things I used to find joy in, one of which was using this blog (hence why I was gone for so long). So many things in my life just didn’t add up. I thought about my family, my grandfather especially, and how I have so many regrets about not having told him that I love him enough when he was still here. I still carry this burden with me everyday. I didn’t know what I wanted to do in general. I didn’t know what I want to do in the future, in university, or for a job. I didn’t know a lot of things about myself and it felt as though I was just a worker who has to carry my body everyday. I dissociated a lot and had a shit-ton of mental breakdowns.

Part of the reason why I felt that way was because I never opened up to anybody. I still don’t up until today, but I’m trying to learn to speak up about my feelings. I hated the feeling of having to tell somebody how I feel and feel like I’m being a burden. If I can’t handle my own problems, then how can anyone else handle me? I never opened up due to the fear of being screwed over, of being laughed at, of having my own problems be used against me. I never opened up because I was scared that people will laugh and invalidate my feelings. I never opened up because I never learned how. So ever since I was young, I bottled up a lot of emotions and feelings about things in my life. I don’t know if it’s too late to open up now but it still is hard. I’m an only child and I’ve learned to be independent, so I think that’s the front I’m always trying to put. That I’m this strong person who can handle her own problems, but there are days when it’s just bad. Days when something little could go wrong and I would explode.

It’s hard, you know, feeling like that about yourself. It’s hard hating yourself and having a voice in your head that tells you you can’t do the things you want to do because you’re not good enough for it. It’s hard waking up in the morning and already being exhausted about the day even if it hasn’t started yet. It’s hard needing somebody to listen, but not having anything to speak about because you’re afraid of talking about yourself.

But I learned that it gets better, and it does. I’m trying harder everyday to get better. I’m learning and trying to push aside the negative thoughts that my brain makes me think, the bad things that I’ve had in my head for as long as I can remember. I’m learning to surround myself with the people I love and the people that love me. I’m learning to be more open (this is still hard). I’m learning to love, even if it’s not romantically. I’m learning to think of life as a gift rather than a burden I have to carry. I’m learning to help myself, and love myself in the process.

It’s not easy to live in constant worry that you’re going to fuck up. It’s life. You are going to mess up, constantly. But it’s how you pick yourself up, and how you move on from it. Life is hard, it’s going to knock you down so many times you won’t even be able to feel your legs anymore. But crawl and grab crutches; help yourself up. Have others help you. Stand back up again.

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ONWARDS AND UPWARDS

I’ve always heard this quote somewhere and it never really stuck with me until recently.

The past few months, like I previously mentioned, have been tough. I went through a bunch of shit that I wish I didn’t have to go through, and don’t wish anybody to go through the same thing. Life is one hell of an ass kicker, let me tell you that.

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COMEBACK KID

Hello! I have not posted since last year, I am so sorry. Life has just gotten so busy and I have totally forgotten about this blog. I remembered it from time to time though, constantly visiting and reading through my old posts, but never actually typing up anything to post. So for that, I apologize. I just want to give you guys a quick update on my life and what it has been these past few months.

  • I go to a new school now. I don’t think I’ve mentioned that before? Or maybe I have and have totally forgotten about it. Anyway, I do go to a different school now. I’ve made friends and have made memories that I cherish with the people who are dear to me. I’m a senior in high school now! The first time I ever posted a blogpost on here was when I was still a wee little sophomore, haha.
  • I went to the Philippines for three weeks. I visited my family back home and it was a great time! Blogpost about this coming up!
  • My bestfriend flew from LA this summer. Pretty self explanatory but I met up with Rey this summer and she spent the weekend here with me. We met up with our other friend, Eve, for the first time! It was great. We went to Snakes & Lattes and played a bunch of board games, got lunch, went to Sonic Boom, and basically just walked around downtown.
  • I SAW BRUNO MARS. My favourite performer and possibly singer of all time(?). He’s so great live, I can’t stress that enough. I got to see him for free, thanks to Rey’s stepdad, who got us tickets. Anyway, it was a great night. It was my first concert too and I got to see my favourite with my favourite. Blogpost about this coming up.
  • I think I know what I want to do in the future. I’m planning to take either psychology or criminology for post-secondary. I’ll major in one of those, and take the other as a minor. I thought that maybe writing isn’t really a career choice for me, or maybe it is. I don’t know yet and I’m not 100% sure. But whatever way I go, I will make sure that I am happy with my decision.

I think that’s it? Nothing extravagant really happened during the past months that I was gone. I’ve had more bad days than good ones, but I’m pulling through and I think that’s what matters. A lot has changed, but I’m still me.

THE SUNDAY CURRENTLY: VOL. 16

Hello, hello! I haven’t done a TSC since February, it seems like! I totally forgot that I used to make these! But anyway, here’s what’s going on today.

CURRENTLY

Reading
My notes about the brain, its lobes, and the functions. I have a quiz coming up tomorrow for my Psychology class and I have to learn about that. The human brain is incredibly intriguing.

Writing
this blog post and additional notes on the chemistry lab I did in class last Friday.

Listening
to The Girl by City and Colour from my Spotify playlist.

Thinking
about how tomorrow is going to turn out. I’m stressed that I’m not stressed about something I should be stressed about. Anyone else ever felt like that? It’s frustrating.

Smelling
the coffee that’s right beside me and the vanilla bean scent from the Christmas candles my mom bought from Home Sense earlier.

Wishing
for a blessing upon my chemistry mark (it’s not really pleasant). And also to get my crush’s number this week or sometime soon? I have a crush, unfortunately. I hate having feelings.

Hoping
to do good tomorrow and that I pass my quizzes. Lord have mercy on my grades. I am simultaneously working hard and hardly working. I need to do better, I know, but it takes so much work and I have such little motivation to move!! Help!

Wearing
my black Manhattan shirt, pink Christmas PJs, and pink shorts under the jammies.

Loving
the makeup palettes that I bought today – I finally got myself a contour and highlighter kit, and I bought another eyeshadow palette just because. A girl can never own so much makeup.

Wanting
a back massage, a boyfriend, more coffee.

Needing
a 24-hour long sleep. I woke up at 5 in the afternoon yesterday and though it felt really good, I felt like I wasted a day away. It felt so off because I woke up and it was dark outside due to daylight savings time and I was confused whether it was early 5 in the morning or the night.

Feeling
rather sleepy. So sleepy that I could fall asleep while drinking my coffee. And also quite excited! There’s a chance we might go to NYC, Boston and Washington during the Christmas break so I’m happy. I hope the plan pulls through, I’d love to go to Boston.

Clicking
my pen.


I hope you all have/had a fantastic Sunday!