DO YOU REALLY KNOW ME?

Do you really know me?

 

Do you know me beyond my name?

Know me beyond my culture?

Beyond my age

or what I plan to do in the future?

 

Do you know me beyond what you see?

Know me beyond what you hear?

Beyond where I am right now

and how I even got here?

 

Do you know of the thoughts

I have at three in the morning?

The things that rummage through my brain

that to you, may act as a warning.

 

Do you know of the scar on my arm

and the story behind it all?

How I was able to rise

after I’ve just taken the fall.

 

Do you know of my dreams,

my aspirations, my goals?

The plans I have to get there?

To connect the dots and fill in the holes?

 

Do you really know me?

Let me introduce myself.

 

I am more than just a name,

more than just my age,

more than where I am

or where I stand on the stage.

 

I am the music I listen to

and the songs stuck in my head.

I am the films I decadently watch

and the lines that they have said.

 

I am the photographs I take,

the intricate patterns of nature.

I am the stories behind my favourite books,

the characters and their behaviour.

 

I am the clothes I wear,

how I choose to present myself.

I am the books I read,

and the ones that are resting on the shelf.

 

I am the things I have experienced,

the good and the bad.

I am the child of my immigrant parents,

my mom and my dad.

 

I am the way I crack my knuckles

during times when I am nervous.

I am who I am inside,

deeper than what’s on the surface.

 

I am my thoughts,

the ideas I have in my brain.

I am more than what I suffered through.

I am more than my pain.

 

I am my passionate heart

and the way it beats to the drum.

I am the fears that I have

and the ways I choose to overcome.

 

I am the words I can string together,

the meaning behind the text.

I am the places I’ve been to

and where I’m going next.

 

There is more to me than what you know;

far beyond what you can see.

So now I’ll ask again:

Do you really know me?

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WRONG TURN

I once read a quote by Beau Taplin that said:

Sometimes a decision you might consider a regret or failure can turn out to be a catalyst for something extraordinary in the end. Some of life’s wildest journeys begin with a wrong turn.

With highschool graduation fast approaching, I can’t help but reconsider and think about my past choices as well as the ones I’m making now, and the ones I will be making in the near future. It’s scary to think that the things I think are good for me now, won’t be good to me in the long run. I admit I still have these thoughts. What if I do something that won’t benefit me later on? What if I think I know what I want and when I finally get it, it doesn’t satisfy nor fulfill me like I thought it would? What if this entire time I’m not really sure what I want for myself? And then I think about me in the future where I’m looking back at my decisions and am not happy with how my life turned out or I have regrets with my life. That’s the thing, isn’t it? Regret.

Somebody opened up to a few months ago about his life; how he feels like he passed up such a great opportunity when he was younger and is now paying for it, and due to him passing up that said opportunity, it lead his life to another path that he feels is not satisfying him. He talked briefly about it because it was the end of the day and I had to go home, but it’s been on my mind since he told me. I don’t think he’s happy with his relationship and who he’s with right now and I’m trying to be understanding of both parties.

One of my biggest fears in life is marrying somebody who, later on, I realize I no longer love, or vice versa. Or that I realize that it was a bad move or choice to marry that said person. But it would be too late when you realize it. You’ve already moved in with them or you have a family together. I’m not sure if it’s true when they say that you never really know somebody until you live with them, but I don’t want to take that long to finally get to know how someone is really like. If I realize that I not longer feel anything for my partner, I want to talk to them about it, and somehow come to a conclusion on what we can do. But I don’t want to realize that kind of thing when we’re all settled down.

I think regret is a big fear many of us have. In fact, I have never met anybody who doesn’t have regrets. It’s such a big part of our lives that it has the power to hold us back and refrain us from doing what we want to do. It chains us and makes us back out. There are constant thoughts inside our heads wondering if you’ll regret something later on in life. We become afraid of change because we might regret that it won’t be as fulfilling or good as what we had in the past. But change can be a beautiful thing too, right? Sure we regret things about our lives and how some things turned out but we still have the future to look forward to. I think it’s just a matter of how we face what is ahead of us rather than focusing on the past and having the past play such a big role in what is happening to our present that it refrains us from the future.

I don’t know how to not have regrets because I’ve always had them. I’ve always dealt with regretting things after doing them. I admit I’ve backed out of many things due to the constant worry that I might regret doing that thing later on. And it sucks, it really does. Because it holds me back from truly and fully experiencing what life has to offer me. There’s always that fear of being humiliated or getting my hopes up for something that won’t be as rewarding as I hyped it up to be. Often times, instead of learning from my mistakes, I focus on them so much and the fact that I hated that I did it, that I end up not doing things to make myself improve. Instead I just sulk in self-pity and blame myself for getting my hopes up for nothing. So I hope I quit doing that.

This is just an open letter to myself, and to anyone who reads this.

Life is great; not always, but for the most part it is. Life is, in fact, simultaneously the shortest yet also the longest thing that has ever been given to us. It’s too short to have regrets. It’s too short to focus on the regrets that you already have. It’s too short to have those regrets stop you from improving yourself – from going out there and making something of yourself. Everyday I try to forget what I regret in my past; the things I did and didn’t do, the things I said and didn’t say. I try to improve and use those past mistakes to better myself. It isn’t easy because life isn’t easy, therefore trying to forget your past mistakes and the regrets that were results of it are difficult to just brush off. But try. Try until you’re able to go out there and do what you will. The saying “live life with no regrets” will always prove false, because you cannot possibly live a lifetime without wishing you had or hadn’t done something. So just live as much as you can. Learn to move on because better things are coming. And like Marina Nemat said, “somewhere beyond the stars, the sun is rising.”

NEW BEGINNINGS

Hey everybody! I know I haven’t posted anything in over a month and it’s almost been like a hiatus. It’s just been really busy lately because of the new semester, school work, and moving. Yes, moving. This is what this post really is about.

My parents and I are officially moving back in Toronto on May 7th. However, I still have to finish the school year here in Mississauga so I can’t move in to our new place until the beginning of July. I don’t know where I’m going to stay during that over-a-month period of time but I’m sure it’ll work out.

We were first planning to move to Brampton, which is just a few minutes away from my current house right now but that didn’t work out. Then, we planned to move to one of the semi-detached houses in Niagara, having the house attached to ours be my mom’s coworker’s house. We were all ready to move in but the plan was that if my family or my mom’s friend didn’t get approved by the bank, we wouldn’t buy the house. So yeah, that didn’t work. It was too far too, I thought, but I guess if we ended up living there I would get used to it sooner or later. And now, the same friend of my mom told us about an apartment that was on the market at their building. We checked it out, was really impressed because it looked more like a condo than an apartment, took the deal, and now we’re buying furniture. We’ve got bed frames, mattresses, paintings, dining table, mirrors, blinds, etc. We’re all set, I think.

I’m really excited about this whole thing, if I were being honest with you. The new place we’re going to live in is in the city, it’s surrounded by buildings and night life and pretty lights and busy people trying to get to work everyday. And if you knew me, that’s exactly my dream. I’ve always wanted to be in New York City and Toronto is just like that, except less lively. Anyways, I’m super hyped because I got a bunch of new furniture I can use when I move in early July. I can’t wait to meet new people and go to a new school although the thought of leaving my current friends still saddens me. It always crosses my mind. My friend told me a couple of days ago that I won’t be able to graduate with them, or go to prom with them, and do all these high school things with them and even if they invite me to go, it won’t be the same because I’m not really a part of the school. Does that make sense? But yeah, you know, typically it makes me sad but I’m still excited.  It still hasn’t hit me that I’m leaving so right now I barely feel anything about the entire situation.

Because of this whole thing, I’m reminded that nothing in life stays forever. People come and go and things will never always be there and what we need to learn is to deal with it. It’s hard to say goodbyes but we need to learn how to say them anyways. It’s tough, yes, but pain is temporary, just like anything else. I mean, you can always keep in touch with people by texting or calling or video chats or through social media. There are endless amounts of ways you can communicate with your friends. From this situation I learn that things may end but there will always be another start. I’m so thankful.

Anyways, that’s all. Just wanted to update you guys about what’s been happening lately. I’ll try to post pictures of the apartment when I visit it again and I’m gonna try to keep you guys updated. Thanks for still being here. I appreciate it. 🙂