untitled.

Life is tough.

This, we all know. We experience life in different ways and we have had bad days and even terrible, horrible ones. I don’t really know what to say besides that, as cliche as it sounds, it does get better.

For the longest time I felt heavy, not physically heavy but emotionally and mentally. There were days that it was hard to get out of bed because it was just… hard. I felt sad, and to say that is such an understatement because it was definitely more than that. Even on days that nothing bad was happening, I still felt sick to my stomach because I just felt so low. I would often lose my appetite and I just did not have motivation to do many things. I lost interest in a lot of things I used to find joy in, one of which was using this blog (hence why I was gone for so long). So many things in my life just didn’t add up. I thought about my family, my grandfather especially, and how I have so many regrets about not having told him that I love him enough when he was still here. I still carry this burden with me everyday. I didn’t know what I wanted to do in general. I didn’t know what I want to do in the future, in university, or for a job. I didn’t know a lot of things about myself and it felt as though I was just a worker who has to carry my body everyday. I dissociated a lot and had a shit-ton of mental breakdowns.

Part of the reason why I felt that way was because I never opened up to anybody. I still don’t up until today, but I’m trying to learn to speak up about my feelings. I hated the feeling of having to tell somebody how I feel and feel like I’m being a burden. If I can’t handle my own problems, then how can anyone else handle me?Β I never opened up due to the fear of being screwed over, of being laughed at, of having my own problems be used against me. I never opened up because I was scared that people will laugh and invalidate my feelings. I never opened up because I never learned how. So ever since I was young, I bottled up a lot of emotions and feelings about things in my life. I don’t know if it’s too late to open up now but it still is hard. I’m an only child and I’ve learned to be independent, so I think that’s the front I’m always trying to put. That I’m this strong person who can handle her own problems, but there are days when it’s just bad. Days when something little could go wrong and I would explode.

It’s hard, you know, feeling like that about yourself. It’s hard hating yourself and having a voice in your head that tells you you can’t do the things you want to do because you’re not good enough for it. It’s hard waking up in the morning and already being exhausted about the day even if it hasn’t started yet. It’s hard needing somebody to listen, but not having anything to speak about because you’re afraid of talking about yourself.

But I learned that it gets better, and it does. I’m trying harder everyday to get better. I’m learning and trying to push aside the negative thoughts that my brain makes me think, the bad things that I’ve had in my head for as long as I can remember. I’m learning to surround myself with the people I love and the people that love me. I’m learning to be more open (this is still hard). I’m learning to love, even if it’s not romantically. I’m learning to think of life as a gift rather than a burden I have to carry. I’m learning to help myself, and love myself in the process.

It’s not easy to live in constant worry that you’re going to fuck up. It’s life. You are going to mess up, constantly. But it’s how you pick yourself up, and how you move on from it. Life is hard, it’s going to knock you down so many times you won’t even be able to feel your legs anymore. But crawl and grab crutches; help yourself up. Have others help you. Stand back up again.

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ONWARDS AND UPWARDS

I’ve always heard this quote somewhere and it never really stuck with me until recently.

The past few months, like I previously mentioned, have been tough. I went through a bunch of shit that I wish I didn’t have to go through, and don’t wish anybody to go through the same thing. Life is one hell of an ass kicker, let me tell you that.

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ALL JOKES ASIDE

As you may have heard (multiple times already), last night was the coronation of the Miss Universe 2015. Many beautiful women were there but only one had to win and we all know what happened there, right? That awkward mishap of crowning Miss Colombia instead of Miss Philippines – we know about that, right?

Well, that whole situation has blown out of proportion. Let me just say this first: I am Filipino so yes I am happy for Pia and am glad that she won the competition. After the show, many have made jokes and created memes that are more so of insulting and rude than being funny. The term “Colombiazoned” has been circulating the Internet since last night and many jokes have been about Miss Colombia’s loss. This is very upsetting to me because it is so disrespectful.

People are using the term Colombiazoned to refer to a situation where one was made happy and then having that happiness be taken away. Now this, I don’t think is as bad as the other jokes that were made but in my opinion, it isn’t very polite to poke fun at a situation where someone (Miss Colombia) was hurting. Could you imagine that same thing happening to you? To have your LITERAL LIFE GOAL AND DREAM be given to you and have that taken away in just a span of two minutes while it’s being aired on LIVE TELEVISION WHERE THE WHOLE WORLD IS WATCHING? Not so funny now, is it? I thought Filipinos were supposed to be respectful and kind, why are we doing this?

There are even jokes made about Miss Colombia roaming Twitter about how the crown was taken away from her and she doesn’t even have an idea because she can’t speak or understand english. How is this, in any way, slightly bit funny? What happened to her sucked and I can’t even begin to imagine how she must be feeling right now. I really don’t think it’s right for us to make jokes about what took place last night because yes, it was awkward and maybe funny for a little while, but the jokes got old really quickly and now they’re just mean. Put yourself in her shoe and think about what you would feel if you were her last night. Think about how you would feel if your ultimate life goal was achieved and given to you and then moments later they tell you that it’s for someone else. It sucks, doesn’t it? So what makes you think that it’s funny to poke fun and make jokes about the situation?

If anything, we should be applauding Miss Colombia for her positive sportsmanship and the way she reacted upon what happened. In my opinion, she should’ve been the one that took off the crown and put it on Pia’s head instead, then walk out gracefully as she did before being crowned. Miss Colombia doesn’t need a reminde of what happened so please, instead of laughing and making jokes out of it, congratulate her and applaud her for being such a good sport during the show.

On a different note, a lot of people are also getting heated about Steve Harvey’s mistake. Can we all accept that he made a mistake? It was an honest mistake, just like he says on Twitter. I’m so tired of people calling him out for making a mistake when he was literally in front of so many people, on top of that, the whole world was watching him at that very moment waiting for the name of the winner to be announced. Can you imagine the pressure he had at that very moment? I really appreciate the way he apologized because he said sorry, didn’t make excuses, and just went straight to the point that he read it wrong and announced the wrong name. At least he owned up to his mistake. Can we please stop the negativity and just let it go? This whole thing has gotten so big that it’s hurting other people’s feelings. It’s not funny anymore.

On the other hand, congratulations to Pia for winning the pageant. She deserved it as much as the other ladies who competed. She’s worked so hard for this and I love how humble she was about last night. She did amazing and her answer for the Q&A portion was on point. Anyway, look at how good she looked at the pageant.

Yup. I definitely have a girl crush on her.

YOU DESERVE BETTER

So I was scrolling through my Twitter timeline until I saw these posted:

(c) Twitter

(c) Twitter

(c) Twitter

Those two posts were originally from Tumblr and people posted them on Twitter but that’s not the point.

I’ve been thinking of writing a post like this for a long time, but just had no idea how to begin or how to word it out properly. Weirdly enough, something happened this week that related to the topic I’m going to talk about and upon those situations, I found those quotes/advices. Isn’t it funny how you randomly stumble upon posts that you relate to during the time that you need it?

Anyway, here’s the thing.

Love.

What is it? A four letter word that contains such powerful meaning. According to my phone’s dictionary, love is an intense feeling of deep affection. I’m not going to sugarcoat this introduction so I’m just going to go straight to my point.

You see, now, people seem to rush through getting into relationships. A lot of people just want to find The One already and just settle with that person. But I just want to talk to you, yes you, the person reading this. I have some advice for you. Read those three posts above until you remember it. Before you get into a relationship, I want you to know that you deserve nothing but the best. First, you have to know what you deserve, and then second, never settle for anything less than that. You are worth so much and you deserve someone who will give their best for you. Someone who will tell their friends about you even when you’re not around. You deserve someone who goes out of their way just to see you and talk to you and be with you. You deserve someone who will listen to your stories, how boring or bizarre they may be. You deserve someone who will be there for you, through trials and victories. You deserve someone who will make you feel like you’re on top of the world, someone who won’t leave you hanging and left out. You deserve someone who laughs at your jokes, even if they weren’t funny. You deserve reciprocated love. You deserve someone who isn’t embarrassed to talk about you and the times you both spent together. You deserve someone who will fight for what you have. Someone who will put as much as effort as you put in. You deserve someone who will care for you no matter what, no matter when, no matter where. Someone who will make you feel alright, someone who keeps you grounded and humble and kind. Don’t worry if that person isn’t here now, they will come and when they do, you are going to be so full of love that it will radiate through you and life will be so much better because they’re by your side.

On the other hand, here’s what you don’t deserve. You don’t deserve someone who belittles you. Someone who makes fun of what you enjoy doing, may that be drawing or singing or writing or anything. You don’t deserve someone who makes you feel uncomfortable when you’re around them. You don’t deserve someone who doesn’t care about you. Someone who doesn’t appreciate what you do for them and someone who doesn’t think about the efforts you put in for them. You don’t deserve unrequited love. You don’t deserve made up lies. You don’t deserve someone who ignores you. Someone who, in the relationship, only talks about themselves, and never asks you anything about yourself (i.e.: how was your day, how are you feeling, did you get home safely, etc.). You don’t deserve someone who invalidates your feelings or opinions. You don’t deserve someone who makes you cry constantly. You don’t deserve someone who makes you think twice about why you’re with them. You don’t deserve someone who’s never there, someone who doesn’t talk about how much they love you. You don’t deserve someone who makes you feel like you constantly have to change yourself for their own comfort. You don’t deserve someone who you have to worry constantly whether you’re pleasing them or not. You don’t deserve someone who doesn’t pay attention at all to what you have to say. You don’t deserve that kind of love. Heck, that’s not even love to begin with. Like I said earlier, love is an intense feeling of deep affection. Therefore, there must be some affection in between the both of you. You deserve nothing but the absolute best. And if you’re with someone who makes you feel sh*tty about yourself, then know that you deserve better. It’s not worth loving someone who constantly demeans you, it’s exhausting. You deserve all kinds of love in the world. I honestly can’t emphasize that enough.

Letting go of people who are toxic in your life and cause negativity may be easier said than done. But life gets SO much better and brighter when you do let go of them. Rid yourself off of people who don’t make you feel good about yourself. Rid yourself off of people who cause troubles and burdens in your life. You are better off without them. Find someone who uplifts you, someone who encourages you to be a better person, someone who motivates you. Find someone who will be there through good times, and bad times, through rough and smooth. Find someone who will stick with you through thick and thin. And I sure do hope that one day, you find someone who is exactly all of that and more.

5 YEARS FROM NOW

I was at the dentist flipping through the pages of the magazines when one question written at the bottom of a page struck me.

Β “What would you tell your 20 year old self?”

I thought about it and I now have the answer. I decided to put it in a letter- a letter to the 20 year old me.

Dear me,

Hi. I’m your 15 year old self talking to you- the 20 year old version of me. You’ve gone through 2 decades, 2 ten years. That’s quite long but you will live through more. The struggles you’ve faced are tiny compared to the struggles you will face. I need you to promise me one thing- that you will keep on keeping on. You will not give up no matter how hard the situation may be, no matter how difficult it is to get through. You will face several problems that will make you feel like you don’t want to deal with them anymore. There will be dark days, but there will be sunny ones with birds chirping and cold lemonade stands, too. So just hold on and get yourself together. You can do this.

There will be problems such as financial issues, educational stuff, boys and relationships, and other bumps in the road. You will be piled with so much work from school that may make you feel like you don’t want to do any of them. You will need money (preferably quite a lot) to get through school and life in general. But remember, you are still 20. That’s still quite young. You still have so much ahead of you to be worrying about these things. But here’s one thing I can tell you, you are bigger than the problems you face. You are better than the trials you’re going through and you’re going to overcome them with the help of the people you love.

Boys and relationships will become a problem. You will, or have already, go through or gone through breakup(s). You will lose and gain friends who will either make you or break you. But here’s the thing, your relationships with these people shape up who you are. Boyfriends can be problems, but they can be great if you find a good guy. Remember what you told your dad when he asked you what kind of guy you were looking for, “mabait and God-fearing” and remember what you told your mom when she asked you the same question, “someone who dresses nicely para hindi ko sya ma-outshine when putting outfits together”. What you told your dad was more important, although you did say once you wanted a guy with dimples. Ahh yes, dimples. Anyway, find someone who will treat you right. And I cannot express that enough. Find someone who will treat you right. Someone who will see the beauty in you even in your ugliest, most laziest, I-just-got-out-of-bed-I-haven’t-brushed-my-teeth-yet look. Find someone who will make flowers grow in even the saddest parts of you. Someone who will make you so happy than happiness radiates from your smile and other people become happy when they see you smile. Find someone who loves God, and fears Him, and someone who has values and knows what’s right and wrong. Remember: no sex before marriage. You know the rules, your parents have told you this so many times. Doesn’t matter if someone calls you lame for still being a virgin at 20, who cares really?! It’s your sexual life, why do they care if you’re still a virgin? Find a guy who has the same beliefs as you. Find someone who will bring you out of your comfort zone. But hey, you’re still 20. You don’t necessarily HAVE TO have a boyfriend at this age. If you don’t have anyone at the moment, just remember that relationships take time. Meeting and getting to know someone on a deep, intellectual, and emotional way doesn’t happen in a blink of an eye. Don’t rush it, darating din yung tamang panahon.

Here’s another thing: don’t forget where you came from. Lagi mo’ng alalahanin yung mga reasons that caused you to be where you are- the people who made you the person you are today. Wala ka kung hindi dahil dun sa mga bagay na yon. Talk to your relatives back home, tell your parents you love them, give back, be down to earth. Don’t be egotistical, it never ends up good. Also don’t forget to thank God, for everything He’s given you. Marami na Siya’ng ginawa for you. Nakakahiya naman if you won’t take at least 20 seconds from your day to just say thank You, diba?

Don’t stress yourself too much about your future, just enjoy the Now. You will lose track of all the good memories of the Now if you keep thinking about your future. It’s okay to not know what you want to be still. It’s okay to fail. You’re not perfect and you never will be, so don’t stress yourself out too much. Stop worrying, you’ll get wrinkles if you do. Just keep doing your best, always be thankful, and don’t forget where you came from. He has so much planned for you, so don’t give up! Keri mo ‘yan, teh! Bilib ako sayo!

Love,Β 

Shay, the 15 year old

What advice would you tell your 20 year old self? If you’re older, what would you have told your 20 year old self? Are you happy with how your 20 year old self turned out?