Life is tough.
This, we all know. We experience life in different ways and we have had bad days and even terrible, horrible ones. I don’t really know what to say besides that, as cliche as it sounds, it does get better.
For the longest time I felt heavy, not physically heavy but emotionally and mentally. There were days that it was hard to get out of bed because it was just… hard. I felt sad, and to say that is such an understatement because it was definitely more than that. Even on days that nothing bad was happening, I still felt sick to my stomach because I just felt so low. I would often lose my appetite and I just did not have motivation to do many things. I lost interest in a lot of things I used to find joy in, one of which was using this blog (hence why I was gone for so long). So many things in my life just didn’t add up. I thought about my family, my grandfather especially, and how I have so many regrets about not having told him that I love him enough when he was still here. I still carry this burden with me everyday. I didn’t know what I wanted to do in general. I didn’t know what I want to do in the future, in university, or for a job. I didn’t know a lot of things about myself and it felt as though I was just a worker who has to carry my body everyday. I dissociated a lot and had a shit-ton of mental breakdowns.
Part of the reason why I felt that way was because I never opened up to anybody. I still don’t up until today, but I’m trying to learn to speak up about my feelings. I hated the feeling of having to tell somebody how I feel and feel like I’m being a burden. If I can’t handle my own problems, then how can anyone else handle me? I never opened up due to the fear of being screwed over, of being laughed at, of having my own problems be used against me. I never opened up because I was scared that people will laugh and invalidate my feelings. I never opened up because I never learned how. So ever since I was young, I bottled up a lot of emotions and feelings about things in my life. I don’t know if it’s too late to open up now but it still is hard. I’m an only child and I’ve learned to be independent, so I think that’s the front I’m always trying to put. That I’m this strong person who can handle her own problems, but there are days when it’s just bad. Days when something little could go wrong and I would explode.
It’s hard, you know, feeling like that about yourself. It’s hard hating yourself and having a voice in your head that tells you you can’t do the things you want to do because you’re not good enough for it. It’s hard waking up in the morning and already being exhausted about the day even if it hasn’t started yet. It’s hard needing somebody to listen, but not having anything to speak about because you’re afraid of talking about yourself.
But I learned that it gets better, and it does. I’m trying harder everyday to get better. I’m learning and trying to push aside the negative thoughts that my brain makes me think, the bad things that I’ve had in my head for as long as I can remember. I’m learning to surround myself with the people I love and the people that love me. I’m learning to be more open (this is still hard). I’m learning to love, even if it’s not romantically. I’m learning to think of life as a gift rather than a burden I have to carry. I’m learning to help myself, and love myself in the process.
It’s not easy to live in constant worry that you’re going to fuck up. It’s life. You are going to mess up, constantly. But it’s how you pick yourself up, and how you move on from it. Life is hard, it’s going to knock you down so many times you won’t even be able to feel your legs anymore. But crawl and grab crutches; help yourself up. Have others help you. Stand back up again.